More to Come

I haven't ended my blog.  I am just taking a few days to figure out what God is really saying to me as far as this issue is concerned.  I want to make sure I am walking in step with Him.  I don't want to run ahead without wisdom guiding me.  I also want to make sure that this blog is for His glory.

New Day

Okay, so I have been taking the past few days to go before the Lord, confess my sin, and think about why I am doing this.  The reason for this journey is to develop a lifelong obedience to choosing God over my scale.  My long term goal is to weigh myself one time a month just to check in and not to use my scale like I have in the past which was several times a day.  I failed on Thursday and was pretty beaten up over it.  However, thank goodness for God's grace.  I don't deserve it.  That one act of disobedience nailed Jesus to the cross.  I want to please Him, but I am human.  I messed up.  I was encouraged by the Lord to repent and press forward, forgetting what is behind and moving forward for His glory.....so, that is what I am doing.  However, with the wisdom of some godly council I have decided to start doing what I want to do for the rest of my life.... having a once a month check in just to make sure I am staying a healthy weight for Christ alone....not too big, not too little.  Letting that be a 5 second check in and moving forward with my walk with Christ.  Once a month, no more, no less....so, that is what I am doing.  I am labeling this Month One.  I want to start now finding a healthy balance with eating and weighing that I feel is what God is calling me to do to keep the focus off of me and on Him.  I am a sinner.  I messed up, but thanks be to God whose mercies are new every morning.  Jesus, help me not to take your mercy and grace for granted.  I am so grateful for it.  I sinned.  Thank you for forgiving me.  Help me not to sulk in defeat.  Help me to move forward walking in your truth and being a light.  I need you not every day but every second of the day.
Fran

Day 1b

I weighed myself.  I let fear creep in.  I am very discouraged for sinning against Jesus in this way.  It almost felt impossible not to weigh myself today.  I felt like I had gained a ton of weight along with two stressful situations happening at work that were frustrating me.  In addition, I felt like my eating had been out of control lately.  I felt fat and frustrated and did it out of fear.  I admit that what I did was a sin and that I blew it.  Jesus, please forgive me.  This thing is so much bigger than I am.  I really do feel powerless over it.  I am sorry.  Not only have I let you down but many others. 
Fran

Day 54a

I love that Jesus never gives up on His children.  He will do what it takes in their lives to bring them to repentance.  1 Peter 3:9, "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."  Jesus thank you for your heart.  You want all to come to repentance.  Your desire is that no one would perish.  Thank you that you wanted to help me and heal me.  I pray that my healing will bring about a greater fruit in my life to serve you and love others deeply :+)  1 Peter 3:11 goes on to say, "Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be?  You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed it coming."  Jesus, help me to live a godly and holy life.  I still want to use my scale at times, sometimes I REALLY DO.  Keep reminding me that you give so much more joy and peace than a piece of metal.  I am realizing the more I am getting into God's Word the more I desire it.  I want more and more of it.  Let your Word, your truth, continue to set me free, to continue to set all your children free.
Fran

Day 52a-Day 53a

God is teaching me to ask Him continually to change my heart to be more like Him.  He is showing me every time I have a thought about something that someone else needs to change, that I need to look at myself.  I want to be like Christ, but I have a long way to go.  I am excited about the journey though.  I am so excited about Him dissecting each area of my heart and showing me each day how I can be a little more like Him.  One area He keep placing on my heart is to Love Him and love one another DEEPLY.  I don't naturally love people DEEPLY, but He has called me to love everyone deeply.  I was talking to a difficult client yesterday, and God pressed on my heart before I spoke to her that I need to pray fervently that she would come to know the Lord and have peace and joy that can only be found in Him.  I want to see her come to Christ.  I am excited to see what God can do in her life.  I don't want to just see her as a phone call that I need to get through.  I want to see her in eternity.  1 Peter 4:8,"Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins."  Jesus, help me to love everyone as you do, EVERYONE!!  Thank you that you love me deeply.  Thank you that  you want to be with me on this journey of turning to you and not my scales. 
Fran

Day 51a

My children and I went to spend the night with my parents last night because my husband was away on a men's retreat with church.  I walked in my mom's bathroom and there was her scale just staring at me.  I stopped and had a conversation with the Lord.  I told him that yes I desired to use it, but that I wanted to choose Him over the scale.  I wanted to serve him fully and an idol in my life.  Each time I went in the bathroom I had a conversation with Him.  I even had to say out loud one time that I choose you Lord over the scale.  You are more important.  You give eternal peace and joy.  He helped me stand up under temptation the whole time I was there.  He is so good.  Thank you Jesus.  I still must go to Him in every temptation.  I am so weak but He is so strong.  All the glory to Him alone.
Fran

Day 49a-Day50a

I celebrated my 50th day of scale free by running the Governor's Cup Half Marathon.  I wanted to do it with a purpose, so I decided to use the run as a time to pray.  It was a great time of fellowship with the Lord.  Here is how it broke down:
Mile 1-time of confession and repentance
Mile 2- praise to the Lord
Mile 3-prayed for Lucy
Mile 4-prayed for Dobson
Mile 5-more praise to God
Mile 6-prayed for Davis
Mile 7-prayed for Thomas
Mile 8-more confession and repentance
Mile 9-prayed for Gabriel
Mile 10-prayed for America and the church in America
Mile 11-prayed for persecuted believers across the world
Mile 12-more praise to God
Mile 13-Come Lord Jesus
It was a great time to spend praying and made the run go by quite quickly as well.  I was totally dependent on the Lord during the race.  I have a bad knee and it was letting me know it was not doing well.  It could have gone out at any second.  I prayed that Jesus would let me finish so I could use that time praying for Him.  It lasted!!  Thank you Jesus.
Fran

Day 48a

Wow!  Last night was rough.  Out of nowhere, I got this huge desire to weigh myself because I got scared.  I was afraid that I was gaining weight, and I needed something to tell me what direction to head.  I felt like I needed to weigh myself to know what path to go down.  I even started to justify ways that I could weigh myself just once.  I went to God's word and read,  "Be careful not to forget the covenant of the LORD your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God."  Deuteronomy 4:23-24  God stopped me in my panic and reminded me that above all else, He comes first in my life.  He is my reason for living.  I want to trust Him not my scale.  He is so much greater.  He gives so much peace and joy.  My scale only brought me anxiety and feelings of unworthiness.  I walked in obedience and did not use the scale, don't get me wrong, the feeling side of me wanted to so bad, but I chose to walk by faith.  Today, I am back to feeling at peace with it.  It was a trial.  It was hard, but I pray Jesus got the glory.  Jesus, continue to help me be faithful to you.  I love you Jesus.

Fran
 

– Deuteronomy 4:23-24 (NIV)

 

 

Day 44a- Day 47a

It is hard being away from the scale.  It is showing me that I really need the Lord in this.  If it were easy, I would feel like I was doing it on my own.  I know that I could fall in a second if I take my eyes off of Jesus.  I have such a draw to know what the number is on the scale.  My clothes feel pretty much the same since I started this venture, but it is still hard not knowing the actual number.  It has been what has defined me the past few years.  I want Jesus to be what defines me.  I want to look at myself and see Christ's ambassador, His beloved child, the object of His redemption.  He is the God of the universe, so He is the one who gets to define me.  I don't even have that right.  I am not Mrs. 133 pounds, I am Fran Ricks, daughter of the King.  Sounds corny, but it is something I need to say over and over again.  God set His affection on me not because of my weight but because He chose to love me.  My job, appearance, family, friends, etc don't define me, It is Christ alone.  Thank you Jesus. 
Fran

Day 41a-Day 43a

God is alive and powerful.  That is not always on the forefront of my life in a hard situation or a situation I have no control over.  God is the God of miracles.  He can do extraordinary things, and it is all for the praise of Him.  He can also change any heart.  I want to be involved in His work.  One of the biggest ways I can start is by being on my knees in prayer, consistently.  James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  I am righteous because of Christ and Christ alone, because of His work done on the cross.  It is not me but Him.  Since, I am righteous, my prayer can be powerful and effective.  Prayer is a powerful tool in God's kingdom.  I need to be praying for those who are struggling, those who are sick, those who are weak.  I need to be praying for those who have not come to Christ.  I need to be praying that Christ's name would be glorified in America and the whole world.  I need to be praying that I would be a faithful steward, and that God would help me stand up under temptation.  Psalm 6:9, "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer." Proverbs 15:29, "The Lord is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous." Paul says in Romans 10:1, "Brothers, my heart's desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved."  Jesus, let me heart's desire be for the world around me.  May my daily prayers be for the people in this world who need who, that you will save the lost, help the weak, comfort those who mourn, encourage those who are discouraged.  Continue to give me a heart for people and help me to be steadfast in praying for them.  I need you; they need you.  Keep me away from the things that can distract me (TV, computer, cleaning all day long) and keep me on target for your kingdom purposes.  I need you too.  I really wanted my scale yesterday.  It came up out of nowhere.  It can't satisfy like you though.  Continue to keep me away from it.
Fran

Day 40a

Forty days without the scale.  Jesus, keep me faithful.  It was nice today.  I was going to go running, but I have been sick the past couple of days.  Before, I did not feel like I had a choice to run or not.  If the scale said I needed to run, I would regardless of my health.  Today, I knew I wasn't feeling 100 percent, so I decided not to run.  Instead, I came home and now I am spending time with Jesus before I pick my kids up from preschool.  Ahh, this is so much nicer.  It is nice for Christ to compel us, but not to feel compelled by things of this world.  I felt completely trapped when I was using my scale.  I felt like I didn't have a choice with things.  My schedule was determined by my weight.  That is not freedom.  Freedom is in Christ alone.  1 Peter 3:18, "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God."  Jesus, thank you that you wanted to bring me to God.  You are righteous, and now I am righteous because of you alone. 1 Peter 4 goes on to say in verse7 and 8, "The end of all things is near.  Therefore be clear minded and self controlled so that you can pray.  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."  I want to have Christ on my mind today.  If He is at the forefront of my mind, I can be self-controlled, and I can love others through His Spirit.  This is living, not for myself, but for Jesus.  I had to call someone this morning that I dealt with at work yesterday.   I wasn't outwardly rude, but I could have handled the situation with her yesterday much nicer.  Jesus, keep showing me my heart and continue to humble me. 
Fran

Day 39a

I am trying to decide whether I am going to run the Governor's Cup Half Marathon or not.  I feel like it will be good for me to have a goal and stick with it.  I haven't run a marathon or half marathon since before Thomas was born.  It use to be so easy, but I get so sore now.  I really am getting old.  We will see.  I have a couple or more days to decide.  I really do enjoy running, and it has been nice doing it for fun and not to control my weight.  I feel like I can relax and enjoy it without worrying about how much weight I will lose by running a certain amount.  I just want to make sure my decisions count for eternity.  It would be cool to take each mile and pray about different things.  Maybe it can be my prayer race.  Colossians 3:17, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."  Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."  Jesus, show me even in the little things how I can do it for your glory.  Life is too short to waste time.  It is so hard though not to get lazy here on earth.  Jesus, show me how to be steadfast in my walk.  Help me to start my day focused so I can stay on target.  There will always be more than enough to take up time on earth.  Keep me focused on eternity. 
Fran

Day 37-Day38

God wants my whole heart.  God doesn't want half of it.  God pressed on my heart today to really look at my life.  Am I really giving Him all of me?  Is what I am watching on TV and how much I am watching it really pleasing Him?  Is the way I treat my children and husband when I am tired or frustrated pleasing Him?  Is the way I respond to something I don't like pleasing Him?  Is the way I treat every stranger I come in contact with throughout the day pleasing Him?  Is the way I am being an ambassador for His kingdom pleasing Him?  Is the way I spend my time and money pleasing Him?  Am I in this all the way or do I still have one foot in the door?  Jesus, I want to be in it with my whole heart, but I love being comfortable in this life.  Jesus, show me how to die to self and live for you.  John 12:24-26, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world, will keep it to life eternal.  If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there my servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him."  Jesus, I don't know anything about sacrifice.  I don't know anything about following you with ALL my heart.  Jesus, teach me.  Jesus, sustain me.  I want to start now.  I want to finish well.  I love you Jesus.  You are God.  Show me how to be a faithful follower with all my life.
Fran

Day 33a-Day36a

I have stayed away from the scales now for 36 days.  That is the longest I have been for about 16 years now.  However, I am still at a place where I could fall any day if I don't lean on the Lord.  I have to be totally dependent on Him with this area, or I know I will fall in a second.  I use to say that I have gained victory, I will never struggle with that again....and then I would fall quickly.  I can say that God is really humbling me in the sense that I KNOW there is no way I can do this without Him.  I have desired it less and less, but I know that desire could sneak back in a second if I take my eyes off of Jesus. Hebrews 12:2, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  Jesus endured to the end.  He endured pain and separation from His Father.  It is overwhelming to know I was his motivation to endure, that you were His motivation to endure.  Jesus, thank you that your love for me kept you on the cross.  You knew there was no other way but you.  Thank you for staying the course.  Thank you that you perfected our faith.  Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you and endure for eternity.  Help me keep an eternal purpose.  Help me love others like you love them and choose you over this world.  You are worth it.  You are in glory now, at the right hand of the throne of God.  I can't wait to praise you for all eternity in heaven.  Help me to start now doing all things for your glory.  Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."  You died for me because you loved me.  Jesus, please show me what it means to truly love you.  Show me how to truly love other people.  I ran almost 11 miles today.  It was so nice to run just enjoy it.  I was not running to lose weight (because I have no idea what I weigh).  I ran knowing my body is more messed up than it was when I ran my last marathon.  My knees hurt, my hips hurt, but it was great knowing that I am dependent on the Lord for my body to work as well.  I thanked Him for letting me finish this run because it is not easy like it use to be.  This body is wasting away(feeling old :+))....but one day I will have a heavenly body that will last for eternity.  Can't wait for that :+)  Come Lord Jesus!!
Fran

Day 32a

Thank you Jesus.  I was able to have another lunch time where I focused on Jesus instead of food.  Wow!  That is really so much more filling.  One thing I need from the Lord is hope that He can change me.  It is crazy how when we get stuck in a bad pattern we think that we cannot change.  My thoughts say,  you have done this for too long.  You will never be able to truly break this.  Well, I will never be able to truly break it, but God can.  He is stronger than any stronghold, depression, habit, generational sin, etc.  He is strong enough, and He is able.  Jesus, give me faith as small as a mustard seed to believe that.  Give me faith for today.  Help me to see that change is possible in this life because we are more than conquerors through You who loves us (Romans 8:37).  God showed me today that I need to continue to humble myself.  I cannot be prideful in any aspect of my life.  I have been a social worker for ten years now.  I have become pretty confident in it, but I still need God to be a good social worker.  I made a mistake recently that I shouldn't have made, but I did.  I was not seeking God for the answers but was trying to make a situation work through my own effort.  I made a bad decision because I got cocky.  Jesus, please keep me from pride.  1 Peter 5:6, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand , that he may lift you up in due time."  Jesus, I need to be humbled that you may be glorified, in work, eating, relationships, etc.  I cannot leave you or your wisdom for a second.  Please forgive me for not seeking you with work and food.  Help me to repent and walk in obedience.  Thank you that you are for restoration and not condemnation.  Set my heart on eternity for today, for this moment.
Fran

Day 31a

I had some victory at lunch today.  YAY!!  Thank you Jesus.  I realized from giving up stuff at lunch that food is definitely too important.  I felt there was something lacking when I didn't get fast food.  I see the benefit of continuing to give the Lord my lunch and say yes Jesus you are more important than lunch, fast food, etc.  When I am less focused on food, I can focus more on God's kingdom.  I had a great time during lunch talking to a friend.  It was nice focusing on the friend instead of what I was eating.  It felt really good.  What I didn't get with fast food, I gained in a good conversation that was hopefully encouraging.  It was definitely encouraging to me.  It is so easy to fall though.  If I don't keep my mind on Jesus, I will fall in a second.  1 Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear,  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."  Thank you for being faithful Jesus.  That you that you are the one that rescues us and provides a way out when we need it.  You always prove yourself faithful.  Help me to  be faithful to you.  Help this to be one of my spiritual acts of worship.  Praying I can give up food even more throughout the day tomorrow and say, "God, I love you more than this food." 
Fran

Day 30a

Okay, so I do need to address my issues with 1. fast food and 2. eating a little more than I should everyday.  It is not an all out glutton fest like I use to do, but hey, sin is sin.  I am going to call it by name.  I eat more than I need to each day.  Proverbs 23:21, "for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags".  I looked at my credit card statement for this past month.  Seeing it on paper was quite embarrassing for me.  I went to fast food places way more than I would like to admit in a month's time.  I was convicted.  Let me stop right there, convicted but not condemned.  I am covered by God's Grace.  God wants repentance for me, new life. Romans 6:4, "We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life."  John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  Satan wants to destroy me.  He wants me to be condemned, to feel there is no hope, no life.  Jesus came to destroy the work of Satan.  He came to be a living hope and be the giver of new life.  He wants repentance from me because He loves me, not because he wants to destroy me.  I don't know about you, but I want that.  I want the Lord of the Universe to give me life.  I want him to destroy the work of the devil in my life.  Okay, so back to the credit card.  I am not only holding fast food up as an idol, I am robbing my family and Christ.  That money needs to be used for eternal purposes, not on my stomach.  Forgive me Jesus.  So, I realized lunch is when I tend to get fast food whether it be a coke or a combo meal and lunch is when I tend to eat more than I should.  Maybe Jesus is trying to tell me something.  What if I spend lunch worshiping my Father and dying to self.  Hmmmm!  Jesus lead me in your wisdom and truth.  I am so much in need of your grace.  Thank you that it was freely given by your death and resurrection.  Romans 6:23, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Eternal life is through Christ alone.  It can be found nowhere else.  Thank you Jesus.
Fran

Day 28a-Day 29a

God wants us to be going to Him continually for wisdom, strength, help with temptation, forgiveness when we have sinned.  It hit me yesterday that abiding means a continually going to Jesus for these things.  I need to go to him right away when I am struggling with idolatry, resentment, jealousy, etc.  I need to stop what I am doing and say, Jesus, right now, I am really having a hard time with this, can you please help me or Jesus, I see a man over there that seems to be struggling, give me wisdom with how I can show love to this person.  I want to have minute by minute conversation with my Savior.  Going to him once a day, is not enough-I am too weak.  I need Him constantly.  We all do.  1Thessalonians 5:17, "Pray continually."   It gives on to say vs. 18, "give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".  I need to not only go to God continually with my requests, hardships, struggles, etc. , I need to be on my knees thanking Him continually for who He is, His love for us, His provisions.  It is amazing that we have the right to approach Him and actually be able to speak with Him.  Hebrews 4:15-16, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Jesus, I need you today.  I can't be a faithful servant for more than a few minutes without your grace.  I love you.  I will say, humbly, that the scale seems to be coming a little less important recently. 
Fran

Day 26a-27a

I ran with a super, in shape friend today, I mean extremely in shape.  I was able to run the whole 6.3 miles with her, but boy it pushed my body in a way it hasn't felt since training for my last marathon, probably even harder.  It feels good when your body can really push itself and do something harder than it is normally use to.  I left feeling like I wanted to be healthy, not emaciated or gaunt, but healthy.  She has a Master in Health Science and has been an avid fitness expert for years.  She was talking about the importance of being balanced with food.  Not being so extreme that you never enjoy sweets or good stuff but not being overly lazy with food where you are an all-out glutton.  It seems to be all about balance.  Not over or under eating, not over or under exercising, not going to extreme that you can never keep for life, but living a balanced healthy life that honors God.  I then had lunch with a good friend who was sharing with me all she has learned from the Lord.  We talked about fasting, not to lose weight, but to honor God.  Using the absence of food for a short period to focus on the Lord and His work in the world.  Isaiah 58:6-7, "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and  untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"  It goes on to say that as a result of this vs. 8, "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."  As well as vs. 9, "Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say:  Here I am."  Wow!  That is powerful, speaks for itself.
Fran

Day 25a

I was talking at lunch with two great friends, and they hit the nail on the head.  There is nothing on earth that can satisfy in the long run, but Jesus.  Some girls think if I could just get  a husband, then I will be content.  Others who are married say, if my husband would just understand me or act like that husband over there, then I will be content.  Other "just ifs" are a good job, a great body, wealth, children who are well round or just children in general, great friends, etc.  However, all these things will fail at some point.  They were not meant to fulfill our ultimate desire of knowing Jesus.  That is why Jesus wants us to come to Him, not because he is a "conceited God" but because He knows our ultimate best is found in Him.  He loves us and wants us to be fulfilled.  These other things are not bad and can give lots of joy if they are in their proper place.  They were never meant to take Jesus' place.  Jesus, if you are the ultimate desire of my soul, help me saturate myself in your Word.  Help me be the branches on your vine of everlasting life, peace, joy, etc.  John 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."  We have to be connected to the source of life, that is Jesus alone.  We can only live content, productive "eternal" lives, if we are abiding in Him.  For me, I have to be abiding constantly.  If I turn to the side for even a second, it falls apart pretty quickly.  I need Jesus.  Jesus, you are my life source.  Keep me abiding in you.  John 15:9, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.  Now remain in my love."  Remain with Jesus.  Nothing else will satisfy like Him. 
Fran

Day 23a-24a

I have been running a little more the past couple of days to train for the Governor's Cup Road Race, not sure yet whether I am going to run the half marathon or the 5miler.  I was thinking as I running yesterday that this is enjoyable when I am not doing it to try to fix the number on the scale.  There was no pressure.  I could run for the fun of it and not to accomplish my weight goal.  It is so nice when your body feels healthy, when it is being pushed in a healthy way.  You really do get a runner's high after you have gone farther than you thought you could.   That is my goal.  To be healthy, to push my self in healthy ways with healthy goals.  To be healthy for the purpose of going out and sharing God's love however He may want me to that day.  Different focus on healthy, but I believe a better focus.  Wow!  It is crazy how I can just go run an hour, no problem, but you tell me to eat right for a day--IMPOSSIBLE!  I am glad it is so hard though, because I have to rely on God.  I really can't do this without Him.  I have tried for twenty plus years.  I think the longest I went eating healthy was one month.  I am weak, but He is strong.  The biggest thing for me to remember though is that there is always hope when we have Jesus.  That is what I always tell the patients I am working with that are suicidal or depressed.  Don't give up hope.  It can get better.  Hope is so vital to living.  "Christ in you, the hope of glory"(Colossians 1:27). Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed-(1 Peter1:13).
Fran

Day 22a

Matthew 6:25, "Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important that food, and the body more important than clothes?"  I spent a good chunk of time today just being with my children, not having an agenda or running from place to place, but just being with them.  It was so nice to just meet them where they were and experience life with them.  It was nice turning off the computer, TV, etc. and just enjoying the day that God gave us.  When we are freed up from idols or traps that take up so much time and energy, we can enjoy what God has given us for that day and thank Him for it.  I worry too much about petty things.  Usually,  I don't spend too much time worrying about big things, it is the small things like are my kids balanced enough, am I doing enough academic wise for them, am I pushing them too much or too little, do I look too dumpy today, etc.  Small stuff that takes up too much time.  As Jesus said to His disciples in, Matthew 8:26, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid".  Perfect loves drives out fear and worry 1 John 4:18.  Jesus, you are perfect love.  Help me to cling to you when I have fear or worry.  On another note, I am definitely addicted to fast food.  God is revealing yet another idol.  There, I have said it and now I need to be serious about it.  I need to stay away from it.  Leaning on the Lord.
Fran

Day 21a

I just saw the movie, Courageous.  Wow!  It is powerful.  Really did a great job encouraging parents (namely dads, but I got a lot out of it too) to be intently and fully involved in their children's lives.  It encouraged me to keep pressing on, throwing off the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perserverance the race marked out for us (Hebrews 12:1).  To finish well (2Tim 4:7).  In order to invest in my kids, I can't have an idol that I am clinging too.  It takes time and commitment to truly invest.  I can't have a divided heart.  I need to be fully committed first to my Savior and then let that flow into my family.  It encouraged me to take a hard look at what I am investing my time, money, mind, etc in, and to see if those things have eternal value.  If they don't, it is time to throw them off.  If I could give my kids back the extra hours I spent running to lose weight because I had overeaten, driving to go weigh myself, running some more, going to get fast food, etc, I would in a second.  However, God is concerned about my present heart.  I can start now using my time and energy for His Glory.  Letting love for my God flow into their lives.  Being interested in how God uniquely made them and how He wants me to shepherd their precious hearts.  If you haven't seen the movie yet, it is worth the $10.  To God be the Glory.
Fran

Day 20a

My little man, Thomas, had an endoscopy today, and so he had to be put to sleep.  I had no problem trusting in the doctor completely that was doing it.  I wasn't worried at all.  I sat there thinking if I can trust a doctor who is smart but merely human why do I have a hard time trusting the Lord in all situations.  I trust Him with many areas but others I still rely on my own strength.  However, Jesus is calling me to total trust.  Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding".  Isaiah 26:4, "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal".  Jesus, help me to trust You and Your promises.  He showed me in an interesting way today that I can trust Him.  I was with my child in pre-op, and they were taking us from one place to another pretty quickly to get him into to surgery at the right time.  My husband wasn't there because he was on a field trip with my oldest son so it was just Thomas and I.  The nurse told me rather quickly to hold him and get on the scale.  I froze for a second because I didn't know what to do.  She was in a rush so I didn't feel like I could stop her and say that it really wasn't a good idea for me to do it because God is teaching me to lean on Him and not the scale.  She was holding stuff so I didn't want to ask her.  I just thought, okay God, you have placed this here, I am not sneaking around to do it, so I will just stand on the scale with him.  I weighed exactly what I weighed when I started this venture twenty days ago.  I felt like God gave me that little bit of reassurance I needed to say, hey, this is working, keep trusting Me.  I realized with the way I want to eat as well that the hardest time for me is in the late afternoon.  I can eat reasonable for breakfast and lunch but around 4pm, I start feeling ravenous.  I am praying that God gives me strength for the second half of the day.  I am also going to try drinking a big, healthy glass of skim milk around 4 if I feel that way, to help curb my hunger until supper. 
Fran

Day 18a-Day 19a

Sorry for not writing yesterday.  It was one of those crazy days with football, work, errands, and throwing a quick play date in.  Fun stuff but makes for a crazy day.  I am approaching my eating today with great humility knowing I cannot do it on my own.  I have to be totally dependent on the Lord with each bite I take.  I am excited about going to Him today and asking for His wisdom with the food I eat and how much of it I eat.  2 Peter 1:3, "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."  He gives us all we need in this life as we are growing in the knowledge of Him.  Jesus, help me to learn more about you today.  Thank you that you give us all we need for your glory, NOT FRAN's.  You also give it to us because you are good.  You are good.  I was thinking yesterday that the lowest time in my eating was during my first year at Wofford.  I could not control how much I was eating.  I was overeating everyday and it felt out of control.  I was not going to the Lord with it and was trying to "overrun" or make myself throw up.  However, it turned into just plain ole' over eating.  It was a very scary time, and I really felt like there was no hope.....but God (I love the phrase, "but God" because it shows he is about to act in a powerful way).  But God, in his mercy saved me.  He brought me out of that period, set me down in a neat place to learn and grow in Him and have some of the greatest fellowship of my life (Columbia International University).  It wasn't a perfect place but God used it as a true healing time in my life.  It was then that I learned to trust God with my eating, eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full.  Over Christmas during that time, I started following this and lost about 20 pounds over the break.  I had put on some weight at Wofford so that weight came off very quickly.  I began to trust God with my eating.  Over the years, I have slowly turned from trusting God to depending on my scale, running, and diets.  Thank goodness that God is wooing me back to what He taught me before and hopefully, will even take me further.  I am excited about the journey.
Fran

Day 17a

I realized I went into this new way of eating somewhat prideful, and, "pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."  I thought, I can do this eating, piece of cake.  I did not go to the Lord asking Him to be my strength.  I was relying on my own strength and this author's strategy.  I know now that I can't even take a breath without the Lord.  My whole life rests on Him.  I can't eat this way without his help.  I need to go before Him at each meal and ask for His help.  I am a dependent creature on My Heavenly Father.  Okay, so I blew it today with my eating.  I thought, hey, I have done good the past two days (not even thinking that the past 20 years have been failure after failure on the diet front).  I need Him.  There is no way I can do this without Him.  Romans 8:26, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness."  Psalm 37:40, "The Lord helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them because they take refuge in Him."  I have to take refuge in Him.  I need to seek Him and put my trust in Him.  God and I will continue to walk this journey tomorrow.  I am choosing to trust Him and not my scale.  I want to live for eternity and not this world. My hope must be in Christ and not how I want things to go my way in this life.  It is not about this life.  It is about eternity.  Psalm 39:4-7, "Show me, O  Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life.  You have made my days a mere handbreath; the span of my years is as nothing before you.  Each man's life is but a breath.  Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro:  He bustles about, but only in vain: he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.  But now, Lord, what do I look for?  My hope is in you."  This life is so short.  Jesus, let me live for eternity.  This task seems too big and too hard, but nothing is impossible with you Lord.  Continue to break down the strongholds of food and the scales.  I want to follow the way of the cross and not the scale.  Hard day but good lessons.
Fran

Day 16a

We just spent a beautiful afternoon at Sky Top Apple Orchard today.  It was amazing to see God's beauty on the mountain with all those pretty apple trees.  I was just thinking out there that I want to enjoy each day that God has given to me regardless if I am at a certain goal I have set for myself or not.  I have in the past lived for the goal whether it be educational, weight, family, etc.  However, I think God is teaching me to be content with that day.  To live in the present in the sense of enjoying it, giving thanks, and making the most of each day.  I have a long way to go in terms of where I want to be with God, education, weight, the scales, etc.  However, I want to take it day by day instead of living for a moment six months down the road.....so, today, it was nice to not weigh myself, eat reasonably, and enjoy the day that God gave to my family  and I.
Fran

Day 15a

We went to the Wofford Game today with my parents.  I knew we were going to my favorite restaurant in the world after the game, The Beacon.  I was  a little nervous about it.  I started my new way of eating today from what I learned yesterday.  I waited until I was truly hungry which actually didn't come until around 1pm today.  Hopefully, it will be sooner tomorrow.  I took my time and thoroughly enjoyed each bite and ate slowly.  I stopped when I was pleasantly full.  I did that for lunch and then I got hungry again when it was time to go to The Beacon after the game.  My family got a snack at the game, but I didn't because I wasn't hungry.  I drank water instead.  For supper, I got my favorite meal at The Beacon.  It was a cheeseburger a plenty(with tons of onion rings and fries).  I took small bites, set my food down between each bite, chewed in thoroughly, and then took another bite.  It worked.  I only ate about one third to one half of my food.  For both lunch, supper, and a snack(just got hungry again), I by no means overate.  I hope to do it even better tomorrow.  I tried drinking water most of the day as well except I had a Diet Coke for one of my snacks tonight.  The cool thing is that I never let myself get to the point where I was starving.  I started eating when I was hungry but not ravenous.  No scale today.  I can't wait for the day when this way of eating becomes natural.  I have to give it a lot of thought right now.  Jesus, make all of this less and less and You more and more.  In the book of Jonah it says in Chapter 4 I believe that those who cling to idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.  Help me to cling to you Jesus.
Fran

Day 14a

Okay, so the past two weeks I have been seeking God about how He wanted me to eat.  I wanted and want something that I can do for the rest of my life.  I do not want a diet.  I want health and balance.  I went into Barnes and Noble today because I had a gift certificate.  I wasn't even going looking for a book but I was chasing Thomas around the store.  I ended up near the nutrition section and saw this book title, I Can Make You Thin by Paul McKenna.  It seemed like a non-diet book.  I got it without really looking into it too deeply because my almost two year old was having fun throwing down every book he could get his hands on, I mean every single book.  Oh my, he is wild.  I got home tonight and started reading it.  I finished the book a while ago, all 140 plus pages.  It is incredible.  One of the first things it mentioned is not weighing.  His approach is the four golden rules.  First, only eat when you are truly hungry(not ravenous and almost throwing up you are so hungry, but gentle hunger pains).  Second, he says to eat what your body is really desiring.  Third, really slow down and take the time to enjoy each bite.  Savor it, think about it, etc.  Fourth, stop when you are pleasantly satisfied.  Not stuffed but politely full :+).  This is not a diet.  It seems like a way to really keen in on the body and how God made it to fill itself appropriately for energy.  I feel like this may be the healthy approach I have been praying for.  I am going to give it a try.  If I eat when my body is telling me I am hungry and stop when I am satisfied, I don't need the scale to be my monitor.  I am using the natural system that God created in me.  Hey, we will see.  I will certainly keep you updated.  To be free from scale and diets, wow!! That would be awesome.  God, give me wisdom to follow your ways and give me hope that you can truly change me.  Moving forward in faith.
Fran

Day 13a

I haven't been able to run the past two days because I pulled a muscle in my back.  It has made me want to weigh myself, but I am not.  I haven't gone back to the gym since weighing myself last because it is too tempting to have the scale staring me in the face.  However, all can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  We will see.  I want to be wise about staying away from things that may be tempting while at the same time using my money well that I have spent on the gym.  I realized that running (even if it is intervals) cannot take the place of being faithful to what God has called me to.  I needed this little reminder(with not being able to run) that it is not about controlling externals.  It is about the heart.  I am having a hard time trying to find out what will be most honoring to God with my eating.  I need to really be seeking Him for wisdom on this instead of trying to figure it out myself.  I definitely know He doesn't want me to go to extremes.  He doesn't want me to be a glutton and He doesn't want me to starve myself either.  What is hardest for me is being consistent with something healthy.  I don't finish many things well.  I start a ton, but don't remain very consistent.  Thank goodness Jesus finished things well.  I pray to finish things well today.  Just for today from this point on.  Not worth it to focus on tomorrow or the sins in the past I have already been forgiven on.  Help me to be faithful today Jesus.
Fran

Day 12a

God is in the business of rescuing us.  Daniel 6:27, "He rescues and He saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth."  I need Jesus.  I need Him to rescue me from sin.  I was thinking today that my ultimate goal in this is to let me food be to do the will of him who sent me.  I want to get to the place that my day is spent praying for others, praising God, and serving others instead of thinking about food.  I heard today about an Iranian pastor on the verge of execution standing up for his faith, a mother of three just diagnosed with breast cancer, and a dear couple at our church whose husband is going to Cuba to do door to door ministry.  When I think I these three, I don't want to eat.  I want to pray for them.  I want to pray that Jesus will do a miracle in their lives and in their ministry.  I want that Iranian pastor to be rescued, I want that mother to be healed, I want that friend to have great success in sharing God's word in Cuba.  Jesus, help my "food" this week to be to pray for them.   I love the fact that I am starting to realize that I am dependent on Jesus.  I like that I am weak because when I am weak, He is strong.  (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).  More of you, less of me.
Fran

Day 11a

I have wasted a lot of time and money in the past thinking about food, diets, running, scales, etc.  I have had to repent to the Lord about not using the things He has given wisely.  I was just thinking what it would look like if I took the money that I normally spend on fast food, gyms, scales, etc. and using it to serve others.  That is what counts for eternity.  Though I have wasted a lot of time and money, God still shows his mercy and grace.  Joel 2:25 says, "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten".  I have wasted a lot but God in His grace can, in a way, give me back those years.  I want to use those "grace years" serving Him and serving others.  I think I need to give up fast food.  It has become an idol as well.  I would be so embarrassed to know how much I have spent on soft drinks, hamburgers, etc at the drive through window.  I am actually going to be taking more cases at work to help pay back some of the money I have wasted.  No one in my family is making me do this.  I just feel that it is right.  I feel like I need to have that discipline.  The good thing is that even though I am working to pay back bad mistakes, I don't have to work to earn God's favor and love.  It is unconditional love that is not dependent on me.  It is all based on the work of Jesus on the cross, taking my sin, nailing it to the cross, and rising from the dead to defeat sin and death.  Romans 6:23, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord".  Still no scales.  I don't have that strong desire to weigh right now like I did at the beach.  God, help me to continue on this journey of freedom.  It just thundered so loud outside.  God is so powerful.  The same God that controls the sky, lightning, rain, wind with just a word is the same God who loves me and gives me new mercy every morning.  YAY!!! 
Fran

Day 10a

Humility is key!  God is showing me that I have not fully given Him my whole life.  I still was trying to hold on to different things to show that I could do it.  That I didn't need His help.  Boy was I wrong.  I am seeing that we, as humans, are so frail.  We need God.  I thought for so many years that I could be healthy and balanced and justified on my own.  I only dug a deeper hole for myself.  My pride has blinded me to how big of a hole I dug for myself.  James 4:6 says that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.  Jesus, continue to break my pride and show me my need for you.  You are my creator.  I need you for life and godliness.  On another note, I didn't realize how wounded I became with "weight issues" from comments that were told to me in my early teen years.  I was running cross country and was started to be pretty good by my freshman year in high school.  My body was maturing though, and I had gained weight coming back my 9th grade year after the summer.  My coach told me to lose some weight and my dad told me during high school as well that he would buy me a car if I lost weight.  That devastated me.  I tried to deal with the hurt by dieting and running longer and faster, but that did not heal the pain.  It crushed me that two people I admired so much saw a problem with me.  I started achieving more, running more to try and justify myself to them.  In fact, it started then, but I still see those patterns today.  Today it looks like running more, trying to go back to school to have a more prestigious job, still trying to get my body back to what it was the summer before my 9th grade year, trying to impress others, etc.  Jesus, however, says, I love you completely and totally in your mess right now.  You are justified to me.  Cease trying and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10).  Rest in my love because I love you with a love that will never compare to anything in this world right now just as you are.  I am loved.  I am loved enough to be healed by my Creator.  I am worthy because I am child of THE MOST HIGH GOD, JESUS.
Fran

Day 7a-9a

I just got back from the beach.  I did not have internet access so I could not post on Friday and Saturday.  No scale so far.  I must admit.  I really wanted to use it on Friday.  I ate more than I should have Friday and got fearful.  My baby was up most of the night, and I just felt the stress piling on.  I was almost a little anxious about it to be quite honest.  However, I did not go try to find a scale.  Normally, in the past, I would have found a Target or Wal-Mart and used a scale or bought one and hid it.  Crazy, I know.  I laid in bed that night thinking it is about me making long term healthy decisions that honor God and not giving in to that idol.  I wanted it, but I know God is more powerful.  I woke up the next morning and went on a run for health.  In the past, I would have ran 12+ miles to cover me for the day before.  I didn't even though I wanted to.  I can't live like a yo yo for the rest of my life.  I want to be balanced.  I want to be about my Father's business.  I am really seeking God about what I personally need to do as far as eating.  When I overate in the past, I would turn to my scale to get back down to where I needed to be quickly.  It would usually just take a day or two to get back where I felt comfortable.  This has been a "unhealthy treadmill" that I stay on but can't get off of.  I get nowhere.  I don't digress weight wise, but I don't move forward with my relationship with the Lord.  I want to move ahead and not stay stuck.  Jesus, give me wisdom for the best, healthy food plan that can get my focus off food, diet, scale, etc and onto your kingdom.  I am going to talk to a wise, godly, healthy man tomorrow and run all of this by him to get his take.  Pray for wisdom from this.   One thing I did realize, I spent a lot of time thinking about this over the weekend and hardly no time in God's Word.  First mistake, I know.  Forgive me Jesus. 
Fran

Day 6a

Just went on a run at the dam.  When I started, there was a  light sprinkle but then it turned into an all out downpour.  It was so fun running in the pouring rain.  On the way home, I saw a little sprinkler watering someone's grass while it was pouring rain.  I was thinking that I am like the grass with that little sprinkler.  I work so hard on my own to get that little bit of water from the sprinkler when God is ready to give a downpour of His blessing if I will just walk in obedience.  Going to the beach today with friends.  Usually I would try to run a LONG way and starve myself the day before to have a good number on the scale.  Ridiculous!  I ran a little way this morning to be healthy, and my goal is to have three reasonable meals today.  Who cares how I look in a bathing suit?  I want to go and enjoy the people God has placed in my life and hopefully encourage them in some way.  No scale today.
Fran

Day 5a

John 4:34, "My food", said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work."  Jesus was focused on earth to His Father's plan.  I pray that I can stay on target.  I pray that I can keep my eyes focused on eternity and the work God has for me.  May it be more important than food.  I pray that the earthly food I eat will be used as energy to accomplish His purpose.  That will be a good prayer before each meal.  Jesus, help me eat exactly what you want me too and this meal to have the energy to accomplish your purpose until I eat again.  Another cool thing is that we have the same power in us as followers of Christ that raised Christ from the dead.  That is POWER! Ephesians 1:19-21, "and his incomparably great power for us who believe.  That power is like the working of his mighty strength which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given not only in the present age but also in the one to come."  It is hard to imagine that we have that same power.  I ate more than I needed today.  I didn't gorge myself on food, but I could have had energy with less.  Jesus, continue to give me wisdom and endurance in this area.  No scale today.  Surprisingly, I did not crave it today.  Who knows what I will feel like tomorrow.  Help me to focus on today. 
Fran

Day 4a

Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  Christ wants me to be free.  The Lord of the Universe who created everything and is in control of all things wants freedom for me.  If He wants it for me, then I am going to start praying that.  However, I am tired of life being about me.  I want to pray this for others.  I have several friends that are in bondage.  I want them to be free just as much as I want to be free.  I have a dad who really needs to be set free.  I am praying this for him as well.  It is so cool to think that God wants us to "get it".  He wants us to live according to His Word because He knows there is where we will be most satisfied and "sane" :+)  He wants us to love Him not out of selfishness but because He knows that is healthiest for us.   I had a good day today.  No scale, ate reasonably(could be better, but baby steps right).  However, when this is done, I really don't want people to notice externals.  I don't want the goal to be a weight of 112.  I want the goal to be RIGHTEOUSNESS and a greater love for others and FREEDOM IN CHRIST.  I got an email from a friend yesterday who talked about the fact that if God is concerned about changing the heart we may not see external results right away, but that is okay because it starts from within.  Jesus, change me from within.  Help people not to notice an external change in me as far as appearance but an internal change of the heart.  Teach me more about "this freedom stuff".  I like it.  My oldest child just informed me that my toddler just had an accident all on our carpet.  Off to clean.  Give me patience Lord.
Fran

Day3a

I just had a friend tell me at supper in the midst of talking about everything under the sun that she noticed I love to eat.  That gave me pause.  I do love to eat.  Too much.  Could this be an idol in my life as well?  I think I know the answer.  I give food too much thought.  I spend too much of our money on fast food.  I think about what I am going to eat next while I am still eating something else.  It is too important in my life.  Going to the scale help me control the amount of food I ate in the past.  Now that I am trying to not go to the scale, I want to use God as my monitor.  I want to use the natural system He gave me in my body to know when I am hungry and know when I am full.  I want to trust Him with that.  Okay, I realize my idols are growing.  Jesus, help me to stop wasting my time and money on food.  Help my food be to do your will.  Be my Bread of Life and my Living Water.  Become more important while food becomes less important.  Jesus change me from the inside out.  I noticed today I started out thinking I wanted to run more so I could eat more......so yet another idol, running.  I have purposely given up "long distance" running for a season so I won't use it to control my weight and control how much food I can have.  Wow!  Keep showing me stuff Jesus.  I want to be purified.  I want to be FREE to serve You and glorify you with my life.  I need some "power washing" from the inside out.  I trust you Jesus but I must admit I am a little scared.  Keep me away from those wretched scales, so far so good only by your grace Jesus.
Fran

Day 2a

Psalm 62:5,"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him."  Today, God put on my heart that I need to live for eternity.  This life is not about the present.  It is about living for the Lord in every area of my life as I wait for His return.  I am not living for this life.  I am living for eternity.  Jesus, I pray my choices today will Honor you for eternity.  Jesus, give me love for your creation.  Give me a desire to follow after you with all my heart.  Help me not to live for my selfish desires but help me to live for you.  I pray that today the way I treat others will bring you Glory.  The scale dims in comparison to a whole eternity without the presence of the Lord.  I want to live with Jesus forever.  I want to enjoy His presence in heaven.  I want to fellowship with believers in heaven for all my days.  Is it worth giving up all of that to trust in an idol.  Of course not!  Jesus, set that in my heart today.  Keep my eyes focused on the prize.  Please show me how to die to self and live for You.  In every area of my life, from eating to witnessing to loving my family, may I set my eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of my Faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, to sit at the right hand of the Father, full of grace and truth.  Jesus, I want to REALLY KNOW YOU.  Set me on the course of eternity. 

Day 1a

Okay, so I failed.  I realized I am not taking repentance seriously.  I weighed myself yesterday.  I haven't fully given up my idol, the scale.  I have been giving it up thinking that I am going to finally eat right after 15 years.  I haven't given it up totally to the Lord regardless of anything.  I haven't given it up to the point that if I eat bad for ten days and feel like I have gained 10 pounds that I am still not going to weigh myself because I want to be faithful to the Lord.  I haven't decided to turn away from it and start walking completely in the opposite directions.  That is my heart, Lord, please help me.  I realize that I am powerless over this.  I honestly CANNOT do this on my own.  I have to be serious about laying it before the Lord.  There is still a huge part of me that thinks, I just need to man up and do it.  Well, I can't do it.  I need the Lord to walk me through this.  I have to lean on Him.  I am completely powerless.  I need Him to walk me through this.  I wanted to weigh today, but I didn't.  I feel stress rising up inside of me because I don't know the number on the scale.  However, I know, even though I don't feel it right now, that it is more important to be faithful to God.  Approval of others is too important to me.  I realized this while I was watching my two oldest boys play flag football (that my husband is coaching).  My stomach was in knots scared that someone was going to belittle my husband and his coaching ability.  It is a child's flag football program, seriously?  I obviously have a long way to go.  The blessing in this is that it shows my need for Jesus.  I need Him for sanity, confidence, endurance, unconditional love.  Thank you Jesus for your forgiveness and faithfulness to me.  So, here I start again.  Jesus, make me a faithful follower.
Fran

Day 2

I weighed myself for the last time yesterday around 10am.  I am wondering right now what I weigh.  I don't like knowing, but it is the only way I can trust God.  If I keep relying on the scale, I trust in it instead of my Heavenly Father.  It never satisfies.  God promises that He can satisfy.  I want to know what it means to walk by faith and not by sight.  My life has been full of fail attempts.  I have started so many things, that I have not finished.  One of them is honoring God with how I eat.  When I had my scale, I could make food work for me.  I was consumed with eating, then running off what I ate, then eating some more, then running some more.  Depending on what the scale said, I would be happy or sad.  I would go to events or not go depending on the number.  I would like myself or despise myself.  It affected the way I treated others and myself.  I don't want to live the rest of my life like that.  I just want to be faithful.  How can I eat to honor the Lord?  This is what I think, relatively healthy, small meals with no snacking.  Here I go starting this second step.  First, giving up my scale for a year.  Second, eating to honor God.  We will see how it goes.  On a lighter note, I have been a light ash blonde girl for about 15 years now.  I went back to my natural color today.  It is brown, but you know, I kind of like it.  It symbolizes the change that has to start in my heart.  It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Jesus, I want to be free in You.  I love you.
Fran

My First Day

I am addicted to my scale.  I have no power over it.  It consumes my day, my thoughts, my actions.  This little piece of plastic and metal is now controlling my life.  It has been for the past 15 years.  How did I get to this?  How can I move forward.  The first step is realizing I have a problem.  I do.  I admit it.  I have a problem with over-weighing myself.  I am going to call it like it is.  It is an idol in my life.  An idol is anything you focus and trust in more than God.  I say I trust in God, but am I really if I continue to turn to this "square god".  I have to give it up.  It is taking over my life.  I don't want to give it up, but what has it done for me.  It has left me hopeless, never satisfied, fearful, and always wishing for something more.  My life is not moving forward.  It is every so slowly slipping into a pit of despair.  Well, I am done.  I have a problem.  It is a big problem, but I am ready to move forward.  I need help.  I pretend I am strong and confident, but I am not.  I am scared that people will see the real me and not like it.  I put up a facade.  I am really a scared child who can't get out of a dark room.  God, it is time for me to see what it is like to trust you.  I want to see if You can satisfy me in a way this scale never could.  I give it up.  No more sneaking to buy a scale.  No more sneaking to the gym at 10pm at night to weigh myself and then the next day at 3pm and back again at night.  No more going into a store just to weigh myself.  I say no more but I am so afraid of failing.  I know I am so capable of weighing myself.  My goal is to go a whole year without weighing myself.  Here is my journey.  I come to you at 134 pounds.  I always weigh around 133-134, but every time I go longer than a day without weighing I truly believe I must have reached 150.  I am messed up!!! I am not trying to hide that fact.  Jesus, you are more important than my scale.  Help me to live that statement out.  Let the journey begin.  Teach me tons of stuff Jesus, break me, humble me, build me back up in your image.  Show me your strength.  You have to start somewhere.  My journey begins.