I had a friend comment on my blog several weeks back that she would pray for me because I was in the fight for my life. I thought that was a pretty drastic statement, but was glad she was praying. God lead me back to this person. I shared the following struggles below with her.
1. I plan what I'm going to eat and write a schedule everyday that I don't stick to and haven't for everyday for the last 18 years.
2. I weigh myself after meals and after I work out pretty much everytime.
3. I will eat a bigger meal and lunch and then go run an hour to get my weight down.
4. When I am on a diet, I think of another one that I am not on that is better, and then last a day on the one I am on so I can go try the other one.
5. I plant to not eat supper because my weight is too much after lunch
6. I miss time with my family to go run longer or to run twice in one day
7. I am ALWAYS thinking of my weight and the diet I am going to be on tomorrow
8. Before a doctor visit, I will not eat the night before and then run the morning of before I get weighed
9. I am highly addicted to soft drinks, fast food and have wasted $1000's of dollars on these two things
10. I think more about the food I am eating then the friends or family that I am with
11. I feel like I will have arrived when I get to 110 pounds although I have never gotten there because I get stuck in my vicious cycle which keeps me at a steady weight on 133.
12.I get angry and jealous when other people have success with food and diet
13. I feel like I can never rest- I always have to run or control my food
14. I know food, scales, soft drinks, and running are idols but I can't seem to stop.
15. I never eat breakfast because I want to weigh a certain weight for church or work
16. I truly feel hopeless and defeated in this area.
17. It has been a struggle since 4th grade when I packed my own lunch and only packed water to lose weight
18. I feel so lonely because I am trapped in this and don't tell anyone
After sharing, I was thinking I would get a little nod of encouragement like a, "Wow, that is hard. I will be praying for you." Instead God gave me exactly what I needed to hear for the first 25 years. She stated that this was bad and serious enough to put me in inpatient treatment for an eating disorder. That through me off my rocker. I have always downplayed this problem. People have not worried about me in this area because I look and seem healthy. I have known for years that I am not, but it was my problem to deal with. When she told me that, it almost gave me a strange peace. I felt like for the first time God was giving me a way out. I felt like last night was the first time I really brought this problem to the light in all its raw ugliness. This has been me for the past 25 years, but God is acting on behalf of his child. It is going to be a long, grueling battle, but this is the first time I feel that God wants freedom for me. Maybe there is hope out there in Christ. I am praying for wisdom with my next step. I am scared thinking about this long journey ahead, but I want to trust the Lord with it. I tired of hiding my pain and stronghold. It is time for me to get real and trust my Savior. She encouraged me while I am praying through the next step in who to talk to and where to begin, to give up my strongholds. They are fast food, running, soft drinks, and the scale. I cling to these things. It is going to be hard. All I can do is start this journey now. My hope is the day where I eat to fuel my body and live to glorify Christ is all I do, say, and think. It is the fight for my life, but God wants to go to battle for me because I am so dearly love by Him just like we all are. Ahhhh, that is the me I have been hiding for 25 years. This is scary.
Fran
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