I went to a birthday party for a dear friend last night. It was so nice to sit at the restaurant surrounded by godly friends and not stress about the food. I did not have to worry how I was going to run when I got home, what I was going to have to eat the next day, and stress myself out the afternoon before making sure I could eat that night. I sat with friends, drank my water, enjoyed just enough food, even dessert, and enjoyed really listening to people. I thanked God for that little piece of freedom. This morning, I got up, ate my breakfast with my kids before school and was able to enjoy them. I went on a home visit with water in hand in case I got thirsty, drank it not worried about it making me gain a pound and even enjoyed my snack to fuel my body so I could serve the people I was going to see. I felt more energy and felt I could focus on my clients better. I then drove to pick up my little ones from preschool and went home to sit and have lunch with them instead of downing a combo meal while they begged for some in the car. Instead of worrying about exercising it all off or calling a babysitter to watch them so I could run, I did something I hardly ever allow myself to do....I rested. Little pieces of freedom. Thank you Jesus for all of these. 11 days of no scale, no soft drinks, no running, and no fast food to feel those voids in my life. Jesus, fill the empty spaces and make me whole in you. Thank you these eleven days that when You act, You act mightily. You fight for your children. Thank you for loving me.
Fran
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Learning as I walk in obedience
It has been eight days of eating in freedom. It is so much more than the eating though. I can't wait to start unwrapping the layers of hurt and pain that have caused me to cling to this ugliness for so long. I am ready to be free completely. It has been hard at times to mechanically run through theses behaviors each day. It really feels unnatural to not weigh, run, drink soft drink, run to fast food, etc. However, each day I feel like Jesus hands me another small nugget of freedom. I am so excited for the day when I am not thinking about what to eat, what I weight, etc. I can't look into the future though. I need to be faithful for today. Jesus died to set me free and to set the world free. There are so many ways that we can be held in bondage. What is crazy is that Satan can even use the gifts that God has given us (food, running) to put us in bondage. I don't want him to have the victory in my life. Christ deserves me WHOLE heart. Mark 12:30 takes on new meaning for me now, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength." I want to be free to love Him with my WHOLE HEART because He is the only one that can satisfy my life and give me peace. Thank you Jesus, for being patient with me all these years. Thank you that you chose to act at this time in my life. May it be for your glory. I have added snacks at the recommendation of the wise person who started me on this journey. It helps me to not be so ravenous at each meal. I feel like it is going to give me even greater control this first few weeks where it does feel mechanical. One day it will be natural :+)
Fran
Fran
Monday, January 23, 2012
Small Baby Steps
I am excited about being on the road to freedom. It is going to be a LONG road but freedom in Christ is worth it. I have made a small baby step. My friend encouraged me last Thursday to rid myself on the strongholds in this trap: those being my scales, running, soft drinks, snacking, and going to get fast food when I am with myself or with my kids. She said it would be a good place to start until I could start meeting with someone about the deeper issues involved in this addiction. Well, I went home after meeting with her and friend that Thursday night. It has been four days since I have had any of these. That is a small baby step but a huge victory for me. I have never been that consistent for that long since I was 10. I know it is just four days and I have a LONG way to go, but Praise God for baby steps. I humbly say this to give God the glory. That is not me. I tried the past 25 years to be free. Praise God He has given me these four days so far. I am patiently waiting on Him for my next step. I am trying not to be anxious and make it happen on my own. I have done that in the past, and it got me nowhere. I am asking Jesus to help me be faithful for each meal. I am taking it meal by meal not even day by day at this point. Jesus, make me free so I can serve you for your glory and your glory alone.
Fran
Fran
Friday, January 20, 2012
It is bigger than I thought
I had a friend comment on my blog several weeks back that she would pray for me because I was in the fight for my life. I thought that was a pretty drastic statement, but was glad she was praying. God lead me back to this person. I shared the following struggles below with her.
1. I plan what I'm going to eat and write a schedule everyday that I don't stick to and haven't for everyday for the last 18 years.
2. I weigh myself after meals and after I work out pretty much everytime.
3. I will eat a bigger meal and lunch and then go run an hour to get my weight down.
4. When I am on a diet, I think of another one that I am not on that is better, and then last a day on the one I am on so I can go try the other one.
5. I plant to not eat supper because my weight is too much after lunch
6. I miss time with my family to go run longer or to run twice in one day
7. I am ALWAYS thinking of my weight and the diet I am going to be on tomorrow
8. Before a doctor visit, I will not eat the night before and then run the morning of before I get weighed
9. I am highly addicted to soft drinks, fast food and have wasted $1000's of dollars on these two things
10. I think more about the food I am eating then the friends or family that I am with
11. I feel like I will have arrived when I get to 110 pounds although I have never gotten there because I get stuck in my vicious cycle which keeps me at a steady weight on 133.
12.I get angry and jealous when other people have success with food and diet
13. I feel like I can never rest- I always have to run or control my food
14. I know food, scales, soft drinks, and running are idols but I can't seem to stop.
15. I never eat breakfast because I want to weigh a certain weight for church or work
16. I truly feel hopeless and defeated in this area.
17. It has been a struggle since 4th grade when I packed my own lunch and only packed water to lose weight
18. I feel so lonely because I am trapped in this and don't tell anyone
After sharing, I was thinking I would get a little nod of encouragement like a, "Wow, that is hard. I will be praying for you." Instead God gave me exactly what I needed to hear for the first 25 years. She stated that this was bad and serious enough to put me in inpatient treatment for an eating disorder. That through me off my rocker. I have always downplayed this problem. People have not worried about me in this area because I look and seem healthy. I have known for years that I am not, but it was my problem to deal with. When she told me that, it almost gave me a strange peace. I felt like for the first time God was giving me a way out. I felt like last night was the first time I really brought this problem to the light in all its raw ugliness. This has been me for the past 25 years, but God is acting on behalf of his child. It is going to be a long, grueling battle, but this is the first time I feel that God wants freedom for me. Maybe there is hope out there in Christ. I am praying for wisdom with my next step. I am scared thinking about this long journey ahead, but I want to trust the Lord with it. I tired of hiding my pain and stronghold. It is time for me to get real and trust my Savior. She encouraged me while I am praying through the next step in who to talk to and where to begin, to give up my strongholds. They are fast food, running, soft drinks, and the scale. I cling to these things. It is going to be hard. All I can do is start this journey now. My hope is the day where I eat to fuel my body and live to glorify Christ is all I do, say, and think. It is the fight for my life, but God wants to go to battle for me because I am so dearly love by Him just like we all are. Ahhhh, that is the me I have been hiding for 25 years. This is scary.
Fran
1. I plan what I'm going to eat and write a schedule everyday that I don't stick to and haven't for everyday for the last 18 years.
2. I weigh myself after meals and after I work out pretty much everytime.
3. I will eat a bigger meal and lunch and then go run an hour to get my weight down.
4. When I am on a diet, I think of another one that I am not on that is better, and then last a day on the one I am on so I can go try the other one.
5. I plant to not eat supper because my weight is too much after lunch
6. I miss time with my family to go run longer or to run twice in one day
7. I am ALWAYS thinking of my weight and the diet I am going to be on tomorrow
8. Before a doctor visit, I will not eat the night before and then run the morning of before I get weighed
9. I am highly addicted to soft drinks, fast food and have wasted $1000's of dollars on these two things
10. I think more about the food I am eating then the friends or family that I am with
11. I feel like I will have arrived when I get to 110 pounds although I have never gotten there because I get stuck in my vicious cycle which keeps me at a steady weight on 133.
12.I get angry and jealous when other people have success with food and diet
13. I feel like I can never rest- I always have to run or control my food
14. I know food, scales, soft drinks, and running are idols but I can't seem to stop.
15. I never eat breakfast because I want to weigh a certain weight for church or work
16. I truly feel hopeless and defeated in this area.
17. It has been a struggle since 4th grade when I packed my own lunch and only packed water to lose weight
18. I feel so lonely because I am trapped in this and don't tell anyone
After sharing, I was thinking I would get a little nod of encouragement like a, "Wow, that is hard. I will be praying for you." Instead God gave me exactly what I needed to hear for the first 25 years. She stated that this was bad and serious enough to put me in inpatient treatment for an eating disorder. That through me off my rocker. I have always downplayed this problem. People have not worried about me in this area because I look and seem healthy. I have known for years that I am not, but it was my problem to deal with. When she told me that, it almost gave me a strange peace. I felt like for the first time God was giving me a way out. I felt like last night was the first time I really brought this problem to the light in all its raw ugliness. This has been me for the past 25 years, but God is acting on behalf of his child. It is going to be a long, grueling battle, but this is the first time I feel that God wants freedom for me. Maybe there is hope out there in Christ. I am praying for wisdom with my next step. I am scared thinking about this long journey ahead, but I want to trust the Lord with it. I tired of hiding my pain and stronghold. It is time for me to get real and trust my Savior. She encouraged me while I am praying through the next step in who to talk to and where to begin, to give up my strongholds. They are fast food, running, soft drinks, and the scale. I cling to these things. It is going to be hard. All I can do is start this journey now. My hope is the day where I eat to fuel my body and live to glorify Christ is all I do, say, and think. It is the fight for my life, but God wants to go to battle for me because I am so dearly love by Him just like we all are. Ahhhh, that is the me I have been hiding for 25 years. This is scary.
Fran
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Back on the journey to holiness
God wants me to persevere. He does not want me to give up. He does not want me to remain in defeat with my scale. He wants me to have victory in Him. It is a stronghold and it is a big one. I have seen the past few weeks that I cannot do this on my own. I have to be dependent on the Lord. He is the only one who can give me freedom and victory. I try to brush off how strong my desire is to weigh myself, to put standing on the scale before God, but I know it is a big deal. I know God wants freedom for me. I have been in a holding pattern in my life I feel like for several years now. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have not truly given this idol over to the Lord. It is scary to give it up, but it is even scarier to see how far in bondage I am. Jesus says in Jeremiah 29:11-14, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord and will bring you back from captivity." Jesus, I am in captivity right now. I pray for you to rescue me. I am tired of trying to rescue myself and failing time and time again. You have to do it Lord. Please forgive me for having one foot in and one foot out. Jesus, I want both feet in for your glory. Jesus, may I be found faithful for Your glory and Your glory alone.
Fran
Fran
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