A New Road

A New Road
This will probably be my last post.  I am walking a new road, a good road, a road leading to freedom.  I am not perfect but I am learning that was part of my problem.  I mess up from time to time, but I am staying on the road and finding more and more freedom everyday.  All glory to Jesus.  He is big enough to conquer any strong hold.  He is big enough and loves us enough to accomplish this.  I like this journey.  It is hard, but I am walking it.  Thank you Jesus for caring enough about me to carry me down this path.  I had one special person growing up that was my cheerleader.  That person was always in my corner, always had my back, was always there for me.  That person eventually left my life, and I was absolutely devastated.  I had placed all my hope on him.  I am finding hope can only be found in the person of Jesus Christ.  He will never leave us.  He will never disappoint.  He is eternal love....and we can experience His love for all eternity.  I pray that for each of you reading this blog that you will realize how great the love of the Lord is and that you too will come to experience Him as your Lord and Savior.  He is good.
Fran

Walking in consistency and freedom

It has been almost three weeks now of no scale, no running, no soft drinks, no fast food by myself or with my kids, and eating regular meals.  I can honestly say I have not had a moment yet where I was desperate for any of those things.  It has been hard, and I have had to keep my eyes focused, but I am loving this freedom.  My hope would be to get to the place where I never WANT to weigh myself again.  I do miss running because I do enjoy it.  I would hope one day I could do that in a healthy way, but I know today is not that day.  I feel stronger every time I pass a fast food restaurant or drink water instead of a coke.  I feel like it is one more little step toward freedom.  I am taking a math class for fun.  It is funny, as I am growing in this area of freedom, I am no longer feeling the pressure to go back to school.  I feel like I am start to feel content for the first time in years.  No more needing to be in a good degree program, no more needing to weigh a certain weight, no more trying to look put together all the time.  I am me.  I am the person God wove and knit together.  I am wonderfully made for His glory.  I want to delight myself in Him.  Jesus, continue to make these other things less and less while you become more and more.  I am going to the mountains this weekend with some dear friends.  They have had crazy times in their lives but they are FAITHFUL followers of Jesus.  It is so encouraging to see their faith in the midst of trials.  They are such an example to me.  I love my sisters in Christ.
Fran

Enjoying Friendship and Family

I went to a birthday party for a dear friend last night.  It was so nice to sit at the restaurant surrounded by godly friends and not stress about the food.  I did not have to worry how I was going to run when I got home, what I was going to have to eat the next day, and stress myself out the afternoon before making sure I could eat that night.  I sat with friends, drank my water, enjoyed just enough food, even dessert, and enjoyed really listening to people.  I thanked God for that little piece of freedom.  This morning, I got up, ate my breakfast with my kids before school and was able to enjoy them.  I went on a home visit with water in hand in case I got thirsty, drank it not worried about it making me gain a pound and even enjoyed my snack to fuel my body so I could serve the people I was going to see.  I felt more energy and felt I could focus on my clients better.  I then drove to pick up my little ones from preschool and went home to sit and have lunch with them instead of downing a combo meal while they begged for some in the car.  Instead of worrying about exercising it all off or calling a babysitter to watch them so I could run, I did something I hardly ever allow myself to do....I rested.  Little pieces of freedom.  Thank you Jesus for all of these.  11 days of no scale, no soft drinks, no running, and no fast food to feel those voids in my life.  Jesus, fill the empty spaces and make me whole in you.  Thank you these eleven days that when You act, You act mightily.  You fight for your children.  Thank you for loving me. 
Fran

Learning as I walk in obedience

It has been eight days of eating in freedom.  It is so much more than the eating though.  I can't wait to start unwrapping the layers of hurt and pain that have caused me to cling to this ugliness for so long.  I am ready to be free completely.  It has been hard at times to mechanically run through theses behaviors each day.  It really feels unnatural to not weigh, run, drink soft drink, run to fast food, etc.  However, each day I feel like Jesus hands me another small nugget of freedom.  I am so excited for the day when I am not thinking about what to eat, what I weight, etc.  I can't look into the future though.  I need to be faithful for today.  Jesus died to set me free and to set the world free.  There are so many ways that we can be held in bondage.  What is crazy is that Satan can even use the gifts that God has given us (food, running) to put us in bondage.  I don't want him to have the victory in my life.  Christ deserves me WHOLE heart.  Mark 12:30 takes on new meaning for me now, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength."  I want to be free to love Him with my WHOLE HEART because He is the only one that can satisfy my life and give me peace.  Thank you Jesus, for being patient with me all these years.  Thank you that you chose to act at this time in my life.  May it be for your glory.  I have added snacks at the recommendation of the wise person who started me on this journey.  It helps me to not be so ravenous at each meal.  I feel like it is going to give me even greater control this first few weeks where it does feel mechanical.  One day it will be natural :+)
Fran

Small Baby Steps

I am excited about being on the road to freedom.  It is going to be a LONG road but freedom in Christ is worth it.  I have made a small baby step.  My friend encouraged me last Thursday to rid myself on the strongholds in this trap: those being my scales, running, soft drinks, snacking,  and going to get fast food when I am with myself or with my kids.  She said it would be a good place to start until I could start meeting with someone about the deeper issues involved in this addiction.  Well, I went home after meeting with her and friend that Thursday night.  It has been four days since I have had any of these.  That is a small baby step but a huge victory for me.  I have never been that consistent for that long since I was 10.  I know it is just four days and I have a LONG way to go, but Praise God for baby steps.  I humbly say this to give God the glory.  That is not me.  I tried the past 25 years to be free.  Praise God He has given me these four days so far.  I am patiently waiting on Him for my next step.  I am trying not to be anxious and make it happen on my own.  I have done that in the past, and it got me nowhere.  I am asking Jesus to help me be faithful for each meal.  I am taking it meal by meal not even day by day at this point.  Jesus, make me free so I can serve you for your glory and your glory alone.
Fran

It is bigger than I thought

I had a friend comment on my blog several weeks back that she would pray for me because I was in the fight for my life.  I thought that was a pretty drastic statement, but was glad she was praying.  God lead me back to this person.  I shared the following struggles below with her. 

1. I plan what I'm going to eat and write a schedule everyday that I don't stick to and haven't for everyday for the last 18 years.
2. I weigh myself after meals and after I work out pretty much everytime.
3. I will eat a bigger meal and lunch and then go run an hour to get my weight down.
4. When I am on a diet, I think of another one that I am not on that is better, and then last a day on the one I am on so I can go try the other one.
5. I plant to not eat supper because my weight is too much after lunch
6. I miss time with my family to go run longer or to run twice in one day
7. I am ALWAYS thinking of my weight and the diet I am going to be on tomorrow
8. Before a doctor visit, I will not eat the night before and then run the morning of before I get weighed
9. I am highly addicted to soft drinks, fast food and have wasted $1000's of dollars on these two things
10. I think more about the food I am eating then the friends or family that I am with
11. I feel like I will have arrived when I get to 110 pounds although I have never gotten there because I get stuck in my vicious cycle which keeps me at a steady weight on 133.
12.I get angry and jealous when other people have success with food and diet
13. I feel like I can never rest- I always have to run or control my food
14. I know food, scales, soft drinks, and running are idols but I can't seem to stop.
15.  I never eat breakfast because I want to weigh a certain weight for church or work
16. I truly feel hopeless and defeated in this area.
17.  It has been a struggle since 4th grade when I packed my own lunch and only packed water to lose weight
18.  I feel so lonely because I am trapped in this and don't tell anyone

After sharing, I was thinking I would get a little nod of encouragement like a, "Wow, that is hard.  I will be praying for you."  Instead God gave me exactly what I needed to hear for the first 25 years.  She stated that this was bad and serious enough to put me in inpatient treatment for an eating disorder.  That through me off my rocker.  I have always downplayed this problem.  People have not worried about me in this area because I look and seem healthy.  I have known for years that I am not, but it was my problem to deal with.  When she told me that, it almost gave me a strange peace.  I felt like for the first time God was giving me a way out.  I felt like last night was the first time I really brought this problem to the light in all its raw ugliness.  This has been me for the past 25 years, but God is acting on behalf of his child.  It is going to be a long, grueling battle, but this is the first time I feel that God wants freedom for me.  Maybe there is hope out there in Christ.  I am praying for wisdom with my next step.  I am scared thinking about this long journey ahead, but I want to trust the Lord with it.  I tired of hiding my pain and stronghold.  It is time for me to get real and trust my Savior.  She encouraged me while I am praying through the next step in who to talk to and where to begin, to give up my strongholds.  They are fast food, running, soft drinks, and the scale.  I cling to these things.  It is going to be hard.  All I can do is start this journey now.  My hope is the day where I eat to fuel my body and live to glorify Christ is all I do, say, and think.  It is the fight for my life, but God wants to go to battle for me because I am so dearly love by Him just like we all are.  Ahhhh, that is the me I have been hiding for 25 years.  This is scary.

Fran

Back on the journey to holiness

God wants me to persevere.  He does not want me to give up.  He does not want me to remain in defeat with my scale.  He wants me to have victory in Him.  It is a stronghold and it is a big one.  I have seen the past few weeks that I cannot do this on my own.  I have to be dependent on the Lord.  He is the only one who can give me freedom and victory.  I try to brush off how strong my desire is to weigh myself, to put standing on the scale before God, but I know it is a big deal.  I know God wants freedom for me.  I have been in a holding pattern in my life I feel like for several years now.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have not truly given this idol over to the Lord.  It is scary to give it up, but it is even scarier to see how far in bondage I am.  Jesus says in Jeremiah 29:11-14, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord and will bring you back from captivity." Jesus, I am in captivity right now.  I pray for you to rescue me.  I am tired of trying to rescue myself and failing time and time again.  You have to do it Lord.  Please forgive me for having one foot in and one foot out.  Jesus, I want both feet in for your glory.  Jesus, may I be found faithful for Your glory and Your glory alone.
Fran

More to Come

I haven't ended my blog.  I am just taking a few days to figure out what God is really saying to me as far as this issue is concerned.  I want to make sure I am walking in step with Him.  I don't want to run ahead without wisdom guiding me.  I also want to make sure that this blog is for His glory.

New Day

Okay, so I have been taking the past few days to go before the Lord, confess my sin, and think about why I am doing this.  The reason for this journey is to develop a lifelong obedience to choosing God over my scale.  My long term goal is to weigh myself one time a month just to check in and not to use my scale like I have in the past which was several times a day.  I failed on Thursday and was pretty beaten up over it.  However, thank goodness for God's grace.  I don't deserve it.  That one act of disobedience nailed Jesus to the cross.  I want to please Him, but I am human.  I messed up.  I was encouraged by the Lord to repent and press forward, forgetting what is behind and moving forward for His glory.....so, that is what I am doing.  However, with the wisdom of some godly council I have decided to start doing what I want to do for the rest of my life.... having a once a month check in just to make sure I am staying a healthy weight for Christ alone....not too big, not too little.  Letting that be a 5 second check in and moving forward with my walk with Christ.  Once a month, no more, no less....so, that is what I am doing.  I am labeling this Month One.  I want to start now finding a healthy balance with eating and weighing that I feel is what God is calling me to do to keep the focus off of me and on Him.  I am a sinner.  I messed up, but thanks be to God whose mercies are new every morning.  Jesus, help me not to take your mercy and grace for granted.  I am so grateful for it.  I sinned.  Thank you for forgiving me.  Help me not to sulk in defeat.  Help me to move forward walking in your truth and being a light.  I need you not every day but every second of the day.
Fran

Day 1b

I weighed myself.  I let fear creep in.  I am very discouraged for sinning against Jesus in this way.  It almost felt impossible not to weigh myself today.  I felt like I had gained a ton of weight along with two stressful situations happening at work that were frustrating me.  In addition, I felt like my eating had been out of control lately.  I felt fat and frustrated and did it out of fear.  I admit that what I did was a sin and that I blew it.  Jesus, please forgive me.  This thing is so much bigger than I am.  I really do feel powerless over it.  I am sorry.  Not only have I let you down but many others. 
Fran

Day 54a

I love that Jesus never gives up on His children.  He will do what it takes in their lives to bring them to repentance.  1 Peter 3:9, "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."  Jesus thank you for your heart.  You want all to come to repentance.  Your desire is that no one would perish.  Thank you that you wanted to help me and heal me.  I pray that my healing will bring about a greater fruit in my life to serve you and love others deeply :+)  1 Peter 3:11 goes on to say, "Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be?  You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed it coming."  Jesus, help me to live a godly and holy life.  I still want to use my scale at times, sometimes I REALLY DO.  Keep reminding me that you give so much more joy and peace than a piece of metal.  I am realizing the more I am getting into God's Word the more I desire it.  I want more and more of it.  Let your Word, your truth, continue to set me free, to continue to set all your children free.
Fran

Day 52a-Day 53a

God is teaching me to ask Him continually to change my heart to be more like Him.  He is showing me every time I have a thought about something that someone else needs to change, that I need to look at myself.  I want to be like Christ, but I have a long way to go.  I am excited about the journey though.  I am so excited about Him dissecting each area of my heart and showing me each day how I can be a little more like Him.  One area He keep placing on my heart is to Love Him and love one another DEEPLY.  I don't naturally love people DEEPLY, but He has called me to love everyone deeply.  I was talking to a difficult client yesterday, and God pressed on my heart before I spoke to her that I need to pray fervently that she would come to know the Lord and have peace and joy that can only be found in Him.  I want to see her come to Christ.  I am excited to see what God can do in her life.  I don't want to just see her as a phone call that I need to get through.  I want to see her in eternity.  1 Peter 4:8,"Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins."  Jesus, help me to love everyone as you do, EVERYONE!!  Thank you that you love me deeply.  Thank you that  you want to be with me on this journey of turning to you and not my scales. 
Fran

Day 51a

My children and I went to spend the night with my parents last night because my husband was away on a men's retreat with church.  I walked in my mom's bathroom and there was her scale just staring at me.  I stopped and had a conversation with the Lord.  I told him that yes I desired to use it, but that I wanted to choose Him over the scale.  I wanted to serve him fully and an idol in my life.  Each time I went in the bathroom I had a conversation with Him.  I even had to say out loud one time that I choose you Lord over the scale.  You are more important.  You give eternal peace and joy.  He helped me stand up under temptation the whole time I was there.  He is so good.  Thank you Jesus.  I still must go to Him in every temptation.  I am so weak but He is so strong.  All the glory to Him alone.
Fran

Day 49a-Day50a

I celebrated my 50th day of scale free by running the Governor's Cup Half Marathon.  I wanted to do it with a purpose, so I decided to use the run as a time to pray.  It was a great time of fellowship with the Lord.  Here is how it broke down:
Mile 1-time of confession and repentance
Mile 2- praise to the Lord
Mile 3-prayed for Lucy
Mile 4-prayed for Dobson
Mile 5-more praise to God
Mile 6-prayed for Davis
Mile 7-prayed for Thomas
Mile 8-more confession and repentance
Mile 9-prayed for Gabriel
Mile 10-prayed for America and the church in America
Mile 11-prayed for persecuted believers across the world
Mile 12-more praise to God
Mile 13-Come Lord Jesus
It was a great time to spend praying and made the run go by quite quickly as well.  I was totally dependent on the Lord during the race.  I have a bad knee and it was letting me know it was not doing well.  It could have gone out at any second.  I prayed that Jesus would let me finish so I could use that time praying for Him.  It lasted!!  Thank you Jesus.
Fran

Day 48a

Wow!  Last night was rough.  Out of nowhere, I got this huge desire to weigh myself because I got scared.  I was afraid that I was gaining weight, and I needed something to tell me what direction to head.  I felt like I needed to weigh myself to know what path to go down.  I even started to justify ways that I could weigh myself just once.  I went to God's word and read,  "Be careful not to forget the covenant of the LORD your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God."  Deuteronomy 4:23-24  God stopped me in my panic and reminded me that above all else, He comes first in my life.  He is my reason for living.  I want to trust Him not my scale.  He is so much greater.  He gives so much peace and joy.  My scale only brought me anxiety and feelings of unworthiness.  I walked in obedience and did not use the scale, don't get me wrong, the feeling side of me wanted to so bad, but I chose to walk by faith.  Today, I am back to feeling at peace with it.  It was a trial.  It was hard, but I pray Jesus got the glory.  Jesus, continue to help me be faithful to you.  I love you Jesus.

Fran
 

– Deuteronomy 4:23-24 (NIV)

 

 

Day 44a- Day 47a

It is hard being away from the scale.  It is showing me that I really need the Lord in this.  If it were easy, I would feel like I was doing it on my own.  I know that I could fall in a second if I take my eyes off of Jesus.  I have such a draw to know what the number is on the scale.  My clothes feel pretty much the same since I started this venture, but it is still hard not knowing the actual number.  It has been what has defined me the past few years.  I want Jesus to be what defines me.  I want to look at myself and see Christ's ambassador, His beloved child, the object of His redemption.  He is the God of the universe, so He is the one who gets to define me.  I don't even have that right.  I am not Mrs. 133 pounds, I am Fran Ricks, daughter of the King.  Sounds corny, but it is something I need to say over and over again.  God set His affection on me not because of my weight but because He chose to love me.  My job, appearance, family, friends, etc don't define me, It is Christ alone.  Thank you Jesus. 
Fran

Day 41a-Day 43a

God is alive and powerful.  That is not always on the forefront of my life in a hard situation or a situation I have no control over.  God is the God of miracles.  He can do extraordinary things, and it is all for the praise of Him.  He can also change any heart.  I want to be involved in His work.  One of the biggest ways I can start is by being on my knees in prayer, consistently.  James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  I am righteous because of Christ and Christ alone, because of His work done on the cross.  It is not me but Him.  Since, I am righteous, my prayer can be powerful and effective.  Prayer is a powerful tool in God's kingdom.  I need to be praying for those who are struggling, those who are sick, those who are weak.  I need to be praying for those who have not come to Christ.  I need to be praying that Christ's name would be glorified in America and the whole world.  I need to be praying that I would be a faithful steward, and that God would help me stand up under temptation.  Psalm 6:9, "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer." Proverbs 15:29, "The Lord is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous." Paul says in Romans 10:1, "Brothers, my heart's desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved."  Jesus, let me heart's desire be for the world around me.  May my daily prayers be for the people in this world who need who, that you will save the lost, help the weak, comfort those who mourn, encourage those who are discouraged.  Continue to give me a heart for people and help me to be steadfast in praying for them.  I need you; they need you.  Keep me away from the things that can distract me (TV, computer, cleaning all day long) and keep me on target for your kingdom purposes.  I need you too.  I really wanted my scale yesterday.  It came up out of nowhere.  It can't satisfy like you though.  Continue to keep me away from it.
Fran

Day 40a

Forty days without the scale.  Jesus, keep me faithful.  It was nice today.  I was going to go running, but I have been sick the past couple of days.  Before, I did not feel like I had a choice to run or not.  If the scale said I needed to run, I would regardless of my health.  Today, I knew I wasn't feeling 100 percent, so I decided not to run.  Instead, I came home and now I am spending time with Jesus before I pick my kids up from preschool.  Ahh, this is so much nicer.  It is nice for Christ to compel us, but not to feel compelled by things of this world.  I felt completely trapped when I was using my scale.  I felt like I didn't have a choice with things.  My schedule was determined by my weight.  That is not freedom.  Freedom is in Christ alone.  1 Peter 3:18, "For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God."  Jesus, thank you that you wanted to bring me to God.  You are righteous, and now I am righteous because of you alone. 1 Peter 4 goes on to say in verse7 and 8, "The end of all things is near.  Therefore be clear minded and self controlled so that you can pray.  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."  I want to have Christ on my mind today.  If He is at the forefront of my mind, I can be self-controlled, and I can love others through His Spirit.  This is living, not for myself, but for Jesus.  I had to call someone this morning that I dealt with at work yesterday.   I wasn't outwardly rude, but I could have handled the situation with her yesterday much nicer.  Jesus, keep showing me my heart and continue to humble me. 
Fran

Day 39a

I am trying to decide whether I am going to run the Governor's Cup Half Marathon or not.  I feel like it will be good for me to have a goal and stick with it.  I haven't run a marathon or half marathon since before Thomas was born.  It use to be so easy, but I get so sore now.  I really am getting old.  We will see.  I have a couple or more days to decide.  I really do enjoy running, and it has been nice doing it for fun and not to control my weight.  I feel like I can relax and enjoy it without worrying about how much weight I will lose by running a certain amount.  I just want to make sure my decisions count for eternity.  It would be cool to take each mile and pray about different things.  Maybe it can be my prayer race.  Colossians 3:17, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."  Colossians 3:23, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."  Jesus, show me even in the little things how I can do it for your glory.  Life is too short to waste time.  It is so hard though not to get lazy here on earth.  Jesus, show me how to be steadfast in my walk.  Help me to start my day focused so I can stay on target.  There will always be more than enough to take up time on earth.  Keep me focused on eternity. 
Fran

Day 37-Day38

God wants my whole heart.  God doesn't want half of it.  God pressed on my heart today to really look at my life.  Am I really giving Him all of me?  Is what I am watching on TV and how much I am watching it really pleasing Him?  Is the way I treat my children and husband when I am tired or frustrated pleasing Him?  Is the way I respond to something I don't like pleasing Him?  Is the way I treat every stranger I come in contact with throughout the day pleasing Him?  Is the way I am being an ambassador for His kingdom pleasing Him?  Is the way I spend my time and money pleasing Him?  Am I in this all the way or do I still have one foot in the door?  Jesus, I want to be in it with my whole heart, but I love being comfortable in this life.  Jesus, show me how to die to self and live for you.  John 12:24-26, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world, will keep it to life eternal.  If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there my servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him."  Jesus, I don't know anything about sacrifice.  I don't know anything about following you with ALL my heart.  Jesus, teach me.  Jesus, sustain me.  I want to start now.  I want to finish well.  I love you Jesus.  You are God.  Show me how to be a faithful follower with all my life.
Fran